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A Letter to My 29 Year Old Self

Updated: Apr 4, 2019

Hey girl,

It’s me. I wanted to write you a letter and let you know I've got some things I really need to get off of my chest. Literally.

I've watched you. Not like a creepy watch. But watched you.

I've watched you live through your twenties like a lost soul. I've watched you start your career, lose your father, lose yourself, fall in love, become heartbroken, and settle for a completely wrong dude. I watched you as you battled every day with wrong dudes alcohol, his physical and verbal abuse, and his cheating.

Then, I watched you have enough, pack it all up, and leave his sorry butt. Finally.

I saw you. You were broken, even with a fresh start, trying to pick up the pieces and go on. You did good, girl. I'm proud of you for being brave enough to finally walk away.

You got back into the church, found an amazing bestie, and flooded every spare moment with getting fit. I know you've never had the perfect body. I know you've struggled with major self-esteem issues. So, running, losing weight, it created a new spark in you.

before implants, healthy person
Healthy me with the bestie. This is a few months after implants.

But is where you messed up. And we've got to talk about it. Because, well, your mistake is making my life hell now. Like I said...there's something I need to get off my chest.

You thought that breast implants would help fix the last bit of your body you couldn't with exercise. It's okay. Many women do. I can see where and why you would want to do something for yourself. After all, you have worked hard at losing weight and getting slim! All ladies DESERVE to feel pretty. But listen, implants were not the way, despite what society thinks right now.

What you don't know about them is 11 years later, they are making me-you-us, sick. Literally sick. People are going to disagree. I know. But they are not me. They do not feel what I feel.

It's taken me years to connect the dots. It started about three years after you got these toxic bags put in. First, dry eyes. Not exactly a symptom to get crazy over. But then, as time has gone on, I have felt worse and worse.

Serious inflammation, weight gain (no matter how healthy I have tried to be), hair loss, insomnia, anxiety (and increasing each year), heart palpitations, night sweats, dark circles under the eyes (many moms do, but it's bad), tingling in the hands and feet, joint issues, stomach problems, and feeling like serious crap. I get sick easily from a weakened immune system and it knocks me flat out. I have zero energy, brain fog, and the libido is well...null and void. Let's not even begin to talk about the dull pains I carry in my chest. Literally pain. Yes...I've had a mammogram. It was clear.

Breast implant illness and dark circles.
This is probably a better day. The dark circles, inflammation in my face, and bags.

And let's throw this out there while we are discussing all of the pain. Five miscarriages. No explanation. Testing has been done on my blood. Five babies I have lost over the last 6 years. Something to think about.

I wish I could tell you how much better life is now than it was in your twenties. I wish you could see how having a family, being grounded, growing, and maturity will leave you in such a better place. You will feel that, eventually.

God is good. He did bring me one red headed, blue-eyed 6 year old energetic boy, whom I love with every ounce of my being. He is the reason that most days, I am just able to get up and function.

This is just some of the many symptoms of Breast Implant Illness, and yes, it's a ”thing.” It's becoming more and more popular by the day, and awareness is crucial. You can read a list of full symptoms here.

What you didn't know when you had them put in is, exactly what thousands of women didn't know and still don't. They feel awful but can't make the connection. I feel awful and I HAVE made the connection.

Breast implants whether they are saline or silicone are harmful. They contain over 40 different chemicals in the their makeup and design. The saline are supposed to be ”a safer alternative,” but are known to have just as many chemicals in the lining of the implant and can cause mold to grow inside your body!

In February of 2019, the FDA has officially linked some forms of breast implants to BIA-ALCL cancer. Late 2018, research has shown implants, of all kinds, are linked to many autoimmune diseases and negative health issues.

In recent months, news such as The Today Show and Good Morning America, along with others, have aired stories on the dangers with implants.

But let's just put all of the facts aside for a minute. When you get a splinter, what happens? Your body fights back and pushes it out, right?

When transplant patients get new organs, they take medicine to help their bodies keep from rejecting them, correct?

So when you put these bags in my body, you didn't realize that our body would begin rejecting them as well. Our bodies are just not designed for foreign objects. Especially those that are so extremely toxic.

It took time. Sickness happens at different rates for every breast implant patient. Some experience symptoms faster than others. Some, it takes years.

I wish I could talk you out of that decision. Save our money. Invest it, save it, heck go on a vacay if you want, but don’t spend that money on implants.

You will regret it. I regret it.

Now. Here we are. Me. At 40. You. A memory of me at 29 with some major regrets and lots of illness from decisions we made.

What now? Explanting. I wait patiently to get the implants taken out the right way. To detox my body. To become healthy for my husband, our family, for me. Life is too short, girl.

I know if our 29 year old self had known what we do now, you wouldn’t have put us both through this hell. We will get through this. We will get healthy. We will help others by educating.


Your 40 year old sick self, patiently waiting for breast explantation.

Ps. To find out more about Breast Implant Illness, you can go here. There is also a Facebook group devoted to this topic. The group has grown to almost 72,000 women who are impacted by BII. If you are interested in joining the group click here.

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